Just before i try to give up hope on this relationship, he pop-up into my life again. My lonely life, torturing and full of sorrow. I wonder how many times i thought of shutting everything down, putting myself in hibernation or even end my life of earth.
Am I selfish towards myself in getting hold of him? Or is this all because of love? Why after so long, im still hooking on him and unable to let him go and dissapear into the mist. Or I myself dissapear from his life, go to a place where i can have communion with the nature or the supreme being. Why the clinging is so tight, desparate and full of attraction. How Am I going to release this bondage? A curse or dark spell maybe...
It starts off with him learning new protocols. He asked me a favour to teach him and give him some guidance. Alright, as a colleague, friend, a special one, im willing to help. Books? Lectures? Disccussion? I had done it all. But why you still treat me like a dirty and ugly stray cat?
You asked for a stay at my place after your training. It should be for discussion on your training, but i end up thinking that you are starting to open the door for me to enter in your life. I'm the one to blame, im the one thinking too much, indulging and trick myself into believing that you are interested in me again. But why?
Yes, i had a great time with you. But the initiative is all from me, you didn't even have any interest me. Sob sob! You supposed to stay at my place the second night too, but you willing to travel all the way back to your place and not dropping by at my house for a night. I can see that you are not interested in me, and all i want now is to forget you, totally!
But am I able to do so, look at me! I'm trapped in a cave like a harmless dove, immobile and i can't release myself from this curse!
IM QUITING, quiting and quiting! I will give up my current job to avoid you, and I WILL. I'm not able to stand the sorrow and pain, my heart is dying, a painful death. I don't want ended up being a cold blood and withtout love like you! I'm not qualified to love you? Is that it? I was so low class that you don't even consider me to be your potential lover? How was it? How does it feel? It really pricked me in the heart and soul.
I have to find a new shelter, a shelter which will shun you from my life, which will make you dissapear from mylife. I'm going off, back to where i belong, to serve the lord in my hometown. How long i'm still able to withstand the current, the storm of gay life!
This is not the first time being dissapointed. Is the 3rd time for God's sake. All of you are making my heart bled to death! Can i blame you all, can i blame myself? Can i blame the lord for making me this way?
Release me, Eli! Or should i say to myself, release my own!
I always love you, Eli! I always do. Deep down in my heart i hope to curse you, to hate you. But i still can't, and you know best!
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