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Just before i try to give up hope on this relationship, he pop-up into my life again. My lonely life, torturing and full of sorrow. I wonder how many times i thought of shutting everything down, putting myself in hibernation or even end my life of earth.
Am I selfish towards myself in getting hold of him? Or is this all because of love? Why after so long, im still hooking on him and unable to let him go and dissapear into the mist. Or I myself dissapear from his life, go to a place where i can have communion with the nature or the supreme being. Why the clinging is so tight, desparate and full of attraction. How Am I going to release this bondage? A curse or dark spell maybe...
It starts off with him learning new protocols. He asked me a favour to teach him and give him some guidance. Alright, as a colleague, friend, a special one, im willing to help. Books? Lectures? Disccussion? I had done it all. But why you still treat me like a dirty and ugly stray cat?
You asked for a stay at my place after your training. It should be for discussion on your training, but i end up thinking that you are starting to open the door for me to enter in your life. I'm the one to blame, im the one thinking too much, indulging and trick myself into believing that you are interested in me again. But why?
Yes, i had a great time with you. But the initiative is all from me, you didn't even have any interest me. Sob sob! You supposed to stay at my place the second night too, but you willing to travel all the way back to your place and not dropping by at my house for a night. I can see that you are not interested in me, and all i want now is to forget you, totally!
But am I able to do so, look at me! I'm trapped in a cave like a harmless dove, immobile and i can't release myself from this curse!
IM QUITING, quiting and quiting! I will give up my current job to avoid you, and I WILL. I'm not able to stand the sorrow and pain, my heart is dying, a painful death. I don't want ended up being a cold blood and withtout love like you! I'm not qualified to love you? Is that it? I was so low class that you don't even consider me to be your potential lover? How was it? How does it feel? It really pricked me in the heart and soul.
I have to find a new shelter, a shelter which will shun you from my life, which will make you dissapear from mylife. I'm going off, back to where i belong, to serve the lord in my hometown. How long i'm still able to withstand the current, the storm of gay life!
This is not the first time being dissapointed. Is the 3rd time for God's sake. All of you are making my heart bled to death! Can i blame you all, can i blame myself? Can i blame the lord for making me this way?
Release me, Eli! Or should i say to myself, release my own!
I always love you, Eli! I always do. Deep down in my heart i hope to curse you, to hate you. But i still can't, and you know best!
（男） 我们擦身而过
风卷起了沉睡的什麼
情绪在怂恿 撑开了懵懂
有一种冲动yeah
（女） 决定不沉默
毕竟有感觉的人不多
我不想就此错过
（男） 眼睁睁看爱 （女）就这样过吗
（男） 至少我和你 （女）可以说说话
（合） 证明刚刚发生过什麼
用表白 换一份期待
能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈
心还 绕著你徘徊
难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白
爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外
让我勇敢 表达爱
（男） 眼睁睁看爱 （女）就这样过吗
（男） 至少我和你 （女）可以说说话
（合） 证明刚刚发生过什麼
用表白 换一份期待
能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈
心还 绕著你徘徊
难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白
爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外
让我勇敢 表达爱
用表白 换一份期待
能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈
心还 绕著你徘徊
难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白
爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外
让我勇敢 表达爱
让我勇敢 表达爱
连你都会残忍隔绝
我的心能要谁了解
眼中烛光摇晃着熄灭
为何把我推向边缘
被砸坏了的一切
卡住了我让我无法往前
囚禁在距离笑声最远的房间
单独隔离 寂寞地盘旋
全世界都停了电 全世界都封了街
我所有窗子外面 被贴上黑夜
我呐喊思念 却没人听见
绝望到极点剩的是疲倦
全世界都停了电 全世界白雪满天
才发觉在我心间 有回忆碎片
一作梦翻身 就刺痛流血
我卷着身体缩成一个圈 像一个句点
连你都会残忍隔绝
我的心能要谁了解
眼中烛光摇晃着熄灭
为何把我推向边缘
被砸坏了的一切
卡住了我让我无法往前
囚禁在距离笑声最远的房间
单独隔离 寂寞地盘旋
全世界都停了电 全世界都封了街
我所有窗子外面 被贴上黑夜
我呐喊思念 却没人听见
绝望到极点剩的是疲倦
全世界都停了电 全世界白雪满天
才发觉在我心间 有回忆碎片
一作梦翻身 就刺痛流血
我卷着身体缩成一个圈 像一个句点
Later on he asked me out for lunch at the nearest McD, thinking that he may start the ice breaking and make it possible for us to hold each other hand. But to no avail, it boils down to nothing.
He's happy to know that we are of the same circles, but he rejected me once and for all to persue his personal interest, leaving me in despair and lost. What im i suppose to do then. Can i be able to just forget about him? Why in the first place i start all these unhappy events and make my life miserable.
It lasted for a month, the begging and tearing, im proud to say that i tried my best but to no avail, i got nothing. Not even his care, passion or lust for me. I'm i selfish, to make him mine? Or i just has a lust on him? But if it is a lust, i can hook up with any guys i want, why i have to put myself in miseries waiting and wanting him. Is not worth it, Lex, is not worth it.
One weekend, he came to apartment and we chat, indifference, he seems so far from me. Protecting himself against a predator like me, i would describe. As we went out for lunch later on, im just able to admire his characters, thinking of him being with me for the rest of my life, feeling sad, and lost, what can i do?
We parted to our own ways later on, he had to do deal with some personal stuffs, so we go our own ways...turning back to have a look at him driving off. The bitter, pain and sorrow is unbearable... lost in my sins and lust. I wanted him more.
As time goes by, i want to shake him off my mind, please lex, don think about him anymore, it will just make your life difficult. But how? How im i gonna shake him off...i met him at work most of the time, He's there always, in the office, in the meeting and even facing at me. Why Lord, you have to torture me in this way. Is even bitter then being burn alive.
But now, all i have to say, is to indulge in things that will forget about him, pls lexxie, is not worth it, i hope there's a cure for it, to mend my heart, to dry up my tears, to forget about this love, THE FORSAKEN LOVE!!!
After a week or so, knowing that he's in the circle make my heart skipped. There's always suprises that may be a blessing or can be disastrous. How do i know he is in the circle, don't even ask, i'm not sure either. just the ticklish feelings i felt when i get close by - he is definately in the circle, my gaydar can sense it.
Tried to get him to talk last week about me being interested in him, but he denied and gave excuses and asked me to wait till after the holidays and i did. I waited for him, for him to speak to me today, but nothing happens.
for all the longings and miseries i felt for the past week, boils down to nothing today, he didn't even take the initiative to start the conversation and why should I do. I felt as if i was a stupid fool under his charm, haha, i know he's charming, tat's why i like him since the first day i saw him. Cute? gorgeous? Hot? I'm not sure either, is like he has it all.
Why in the first place i make myself to suffer like this in another unpredictable, unrealistic and impossible relationship. the way he sms's me answered all questions, i.e. he's not even interested in me...he don't even bothered to have some chatting with me, as if im really a fool and an idiot faggot, for God's sake!
Leave him alone, that's what i wanted, but how i deny this feeling, it still will not let me go. Hope that my feelings will fade away quickly as time passed. - AP
喜欢一个人无所谓值与不值
我觉得自己不值得
他觉得值得便行
何况看见自己喜欢的人开心
自己就会开心
如果我想他现在在别的地方
也活得开心，我应该也。。。
我可以做得到吗？
种瓜得瓜， 种豆得豆
不过种出来的瓜不像瓜， 豆不像豆也无所谓
最重要是付出之后有回报
我现在觉得不是吗？
那晚上之前，我还会相信
我是那种只问耕耘不问收获
就算日后饿死也无怨无悔的。。。
想不想知道什么是浪漫农夫吗？
就是那些一直以为
不断对对方好， 肯为对方付出
这就叫爱情的人。。。
但其实对方一直不拒绝我
不离开我只不过是
他不好意思开口跟我说
“先生，你只不过是一直在逼我要你的东西."
而我最厚颜的地方
就是我知道由始至终都没有我的份
但我还是要沾沾自喜
收下对方一笔又一笔的人情
然后当作是结婚照般抱着， 紧紧抱着
以为这样就可以过下半生
其实我跟其他人一样
我一边谈情一边在计算
不过我只把减数当作是加数般计
明明是给我零分
我就当自己得了一百分
所以我每天都很开心，每天都觉得很浪漫。。。
可是。。。这是真的吗？
